Memories last forever
by LittleMissSunny
Summary: Catherine and Steve after Billy's funeral. Emotional One-Shot for 4.05


**_A little one shot, I had to do for last weeks episode. _**

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Catherine and Steve stayed at the Wake after Billy's funeral both feeling the loss of their comrade. Neither one of them wanted to make small talk with the other mourners, but that's what you do when you go to these things to pay your respects. Both have been to their share of funerals for fallen Sailors, Soldiers, Marines, and Seals. No one likes them, but it's what you do; you do it for the family of the deceased, much more than for the memory of the hero they just lost.

Catherine tried her best to stay composed after she had asked Steve, how Billy's death couldn't be on her, but on the inside she was blaming herself for it. She knew that she would lose the fight with her emotions soon, so she decided that it was time for her to leave. She couldn't be here any longer, it was much too painful, and she didn't want anyone to see her tears. Steve had held her when she cried this week, but part of her didn't want even Steve to see them. She had cried a lot in the past couple of days and she was already becoming sick of it. Part of her knew that Steve never felt threatened by her relationship or friendship with Billy. They had only had a short but intense relationship, it only lasted a couple of months, but she cared and respected Billy very much. It was not love…not even close, but their physical relationship was very satisfying. She was hooked on Steve way back then, and trying to get him out of her body and soul with Billy. Not like she cared, respected, admired, and loved Steve. Her love for Steve was instantaneous….the love at first sight kind of love that she never believed existed. But when she and Steve met, the feelings she had for him in the first five minutes were something she had never felt before. She didn't know at the time that they were love, but as they got to know each other, first as sailors, then as friends, then lovers, she knew what they really were.

Things with Billy were never that way. Her feelings for Billy were strong, but part of her always felt like more of a mentor to Billy….not a lover, even when they were lovers. She tried to make things with him not about forgetting Steve, or a rebound, but that's what they were. She knew Billy's feelings were much stronger and he still had them when he came to Hawaii. He had hoped she and Steve were over and he could show her that she belonged with him, and that McGarrett would never be there in the way she wanted. But if Billy had really thought that, why would she be stationed in Hawaii? Part of what she loved about the Navy was the traveling, and he hoped that she still did. He knew though she wanted to leave the Navy after her 18, settle down and have a husband, father to her children, a real home life. 18 years being on the water was hard on anyone, but even harder for women, he heard.

He never hated Steve, he was in awe of his talents, skills, and intense drive to save the world; but most of all, and he craved the feelings Catherine had for him. He wasn't sure if Steve always knew how lucky he was to have Catherine's heart all to himself. But Billy could see things were different now. He saw from the way Steve had been acting the last month, that he was not going to let Catherine go and his love for her was stronger than it had ever been. Maybe it was because Steve was settled down and wanted what Catherine always dreamed of….Steve wanted that too, or Billy assumed he did. Even though their affair had only been six weeks and over 5 years ago, he always felt very worried about Catherine. He wanted her to be treated right by the right kind of man. Steve was that kind of man, he always knew that he was and that wasn't easy for Billy to accept. Deep down inside Billy probably knew that Steve would finally come around to Catherine's way of thinking, and that was enough for him. If only Billy had seen Steve sitting by her bed for 24 hours, tears in his eyes, saying prayers to God over and over; he would have died knowing that Catherine was going to be happy and finally have everything she ever wanted, and she wanted it with her Steve. This was a Steve only Danny and Cath knew, and Billy never had a clue about.

"Steve?" Catherine asked as Steve was talking to one of his former SEAL Team members. "I'm going to head home now." Catherine announced.

"Should I drive you?" Steve asked and Catherine could already tell that he was worried about her.

"Uhm, no…No, I'm fine. I'm going to call myself a cab. I'll see you tomorrow then." Normally she would have said 'See you at home' meaning Steve's place, but tonight she wanted to stay at her place, alone, and cry like she never could in front of him. She quickly replied and then turned around to leave. She had just pushed open the door to leave when she felt someone grabbing her arm from behind.

"Cath." Steve stopped her. "I'm not going to let you go home alone." Steve told her when she had turned around to face him.

"Steve, I'm a big girl I can…"

"No, Catherine, don't….." Steve stopped her mid-sentence. "I'm not letting you go, not in the state you're in right now." Catherine looked at him and she knew that he was right. She was a mess and she really didn't want to be alone.

"I'm not getting rid of you or am I?" She asked him with a forced smile.

"Nope, not gonna happen." Steve shook his head. "It's either I'm driving you home or you're staying here." Catherine took a deep breath and started to nodded.

"Fine, but can we go to my house?"

"Sure." Steve nodded and then they headed back in to say their goodbyes before they left.

At her house they both changed into more comfortable clothes and then Steve made Catherine a cup of tea. "You want me to change your bandage?" Steve asked when Catherine took her first sip.

"Yes, please, that would be nice." She nodded and then it was just like in his office, she zoned back to their time in Kabul. Steve was long done with changing the bandage as she was still thinking about that time.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Steve asked carefully.

"No, sorry Steve, not right now." Catherine shook her head. Catherine wanted to talk to someone about it, but for her Steve wasn't the right person.

It just wouldn't be right to put this on his shoulders. He told her to take the job and she knows he's feeling that he made a mistake in doing so. If Billy can get killed on such a simple case as a cheating spouse, then what's to say any case could get her killed? She can't talk to him how things used to be between her and Billy back then. "I think I'll just go sleep now, my arm is hurting and I am going to take one of the pills the doctor gave me."

"Are you sure? You know Cath; you can't keep on blaming yourself for what happened."

"Yeah, maybe tomorrow." She replied with the same distanced look she had when they found the guy that had shot them.

"Should I come with you?" he asked her with a concerned look on his face and in his voice. _Cath, please say yes! Please open up to me; I know you want to talk! _His mind was already yelling at her.

"No, you can stay up and watch some TV, make a snack, or something." Catherine replied as she got up from the couch.

"Cath?" Steve asked as she turned around to walk over into her bedroom. "Good night, and remember whenever you want to talk I'm here. You're not alone in this." _A weak smile appeared on her face as she bent down to kiss him gently good night. She knew if she went to caress his face he'd touch her hand and it would be over. She would sit on his lap, put her head in his neck and just let it go and cry. _

"I know." She whispered as she could feel the tears in her eyes, but once again she was too stubborn to let them out. She pressed another kiss on his forehead before she finally left him on the couch. A couple of minutes later she was lying in her bed desperately trying to fall asleep, just like she did the last 3 nights at Steve's house. But every time she closed her eyes she was back at the scene, she heard the gunshots; she felt the bullet burning through her arm, the pain everything was coming back over and over again. She had no idea how long she was already trying to fall asleep, but she eventually gave up and got out of the bed. Instead of going out to join Steve she pulled out the stepladder from behind the door and carefully carried it over to her closet. She got up and a couple of seconds later she had found what she was looking for and sat down on the floor. With her fingertips she slowly traced the fine line of her own handwriting as she read it over and over again.

_Billy_

She could already feel the tears in her eyes as she slowly lifted the lid and put it on the ground next to her. She pulled the stack of letters and photos, she had kept, out and placed them with the box in front of her on the floor. She picked out the letters and put them back inside the box. She couldn't read them now, but she wanted to see them. She wanted to know that even with Billy gone, that they were still there. Then she reached for one of the photos and the second she laid her eyes on one, she started to cry. It had been seven years and she loves Steve more than anything in the world, but she's missing Billy as a friend. She reached for another photo, it was from the time when they were in Amsterdam, when she had met him and things started between them. When she told him that things between her and Steve are over….

_Steve…._she thought to herself as the tears where streaming down her face and just in that second the door of the bedroom opened. "Catherine, come here." Steve said as he rushed in. "its okay, Baby." He said as he sat down on the floor, wrapped his arms around her, and picked her up to his lap and rocked her. He wanted to wrap her as tight as he could and just squeeze all the tears and sad feelings out of her, but he knew he couldn't. She needed to do this her way and he just had give her the time and space she needed. "It's okay, baby, Ssshhh, it's ok." he tried to calm her down, but instead of calming down Catherine cried even more.

"It's …not … okay." She managed to say between sobbing against his shoulder. "I did everything I could … and it wasn't enough."

"You did everything you could, Cath, really it's not your fault."

"But I should have had his back."

"He had your back. I know you and he worked great together, and he always had your back and trust me Billy always knew that." Steve explained to her. God knows how long they had been sitting on the floor until Catherine had calmed down. Steve picked up one of the photos to look at it, but before he could get a full look of it Catherine pulled it out of his hands. She quickly grabbed all the photos and put it back into the box.

"What was that?" Steve asked a little shocked by her sudden reaction.

"Nothing, just some old pictures." She closed the box and then looked at Steve. This time he wasn't asking any questions he was just looking at her. "Fine, they're pictures of Billy and me from… from our time in Amsterdam. I kept them after things were over. I thought looking at them would bring the good memories back and make that horrible awful night disappear." Catherine said with a sad look on her face as pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them. "This is so different. I mean I have lost people I love before, but I've never been this emotional before." She added resting her head on her knees starring into the air. "I just want the pain to stop." She replied turning her head over to look him.

"I know how you feel, Cath. And I can't promise you that it will stop or that you'll forget about that night, but it will get easier and the good memories will make you smile again. You'll have more strength in the good memories so it's ok to focus on those. "

"You think?" Catherine asked.

"Yeah, I do." Steve replied. After another couple of minutes in silence had passed it was Steve who broke it again. "So, do you still want to go to bed or come with me?"

"Bed with you." Catherine simply replied as she got up from the floor, put her hand out to help Steve up, and then walked over to her side of the bed.

Steve walked hand in hand with her and saw the sadness in her walk. "I'll be with you in a minute." Steve replied before he left her to turn off the TV and lights in the living room. After he was done he went back to join her in the bed. The moment she felt the mattress shifting under herself, she turned over to his side.

"Thank you for always being there for me." Catherine said reaching for his hand to hold it.

"Always, Cath, I'll always be here for you. You never have to doubt that because you're more important to me than life itself." Steve replied moving a little until he was close enough to kiss her good night. She shifted in the bed and rolled over and set her head on his shoulder. He put both of his arms around her and held her safely in his arms. This night was the first night Catherine finally got some sleep without nightmares. Safely in Steve's arms, the only place she truly felt safe.

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_**As always leave a review :)**_


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